The Shinigami Men's Meeting
by KousukeAsazuki
Summary: We all know how much fun the women have in their meetings, but what could possibly go on behind the scenes of a Shinigami Men's Meeting? Many secrets are let out and a few are made implied yaoi for added humorous effects


This is what happens when I'm bored, without people to talk to, and inspired by cracked out ideas. In short, you get a crack fic that is bound to disturb some of you. I actually think it disturbed me a little in some parts. Haha, enjoy!

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"And so shall commence our Annual Shinigami Men's Meeting," a disgruntle Byakuya muttered. Around the room were a lot of uncomfortable or bored faces and the lack of interest in the club wasn't his only problem. Since Aizen, who had first founded the club, had disappeared into Hueco Mundo, he had been appointed as the new leader. He was only grateful that the traitor had made it an annual meeting and not a monthly one.

"Why am I here?" Ichigo complained, leaning on the table, "I'm not even a real Shinigami."

"If I have to be here, then so do you," Byakuya gritted through his teeth.

"Besides," Renji, who was sitting next to the substitute, sighed, "we have nothing else to do, might as well entertain the captain."

"I can think of several ways for you to entertain me, Abarai," Byakuya told his vice captain.

A few of the others snickered as Renji sat up a little straighter in his seat, "So, Kuchiki-taichou, what's on the agenda?" he wondered, nervously.

"I think we should all redesign our kimonos," Yumichiko suggested, tugging at his own, "Black is so boring and dull, they should be more beautiful."

"Don't you remember when Kyouraku-taichou had the same idea?" Hitsugaya hissed under his breath. The two glanced towards the pink-clad captain and shuttered, "I don't want to go through _that_."

"But you would look good in a baby blue," Ikkaku chuckled and much to the captain's horror, Yumichiko nodded in agreement.

"Why don't we discuss something more important?" Kurotsuchi interrupted, "I'm running out of acceptable research subjects and-"

"Let's talk about something lighter," Ukitake cut him off, smiling, "After all, things have been so tense in Soul Society lately."

"I agree," Hisagi nodded, "let's talk about more friendly things."

"We should address the problems at hand," Hitsugaya commented, "not try to hide from them with silly words about senseless topics."

"Uh oh," Ikkaku muttered under his breath, "someone missed nap time."

Yumichiko, next to him, stifled a snicker as the white-haired chibi glared in their direction.

"Why don't we discuss what we're going to do when Aizen attacks?" Renji asked, pointlessly trying to stir up conflicts to keep things interesting. He slid a glance to Kira, who had thus far been silent, "You think you can handle going up against your old captain?"

The blonde frowned and stared at the table in front of him, _"Ichimaru-taichou..."_

"Good job, Abarai," Byakuya sighed, "now you've depressed him."

Renji sweatdropped and Ichigo snickered, glancing at the redhead, "Way to save the day."

"I don't see you coming up with anything better," the hot-headed shinigami snapped back.

"I shouldn't even be here!"

"You think I want to be?!"

"So," Ukitake deduced, glancing at the brightly-colored pair, "apparently when Aizen attacks, we will fight amongst ourselves and become depressed."

Next to him, Hisagi sighed, "What is the point of these meetings? We all have things we need to be doing."

"The point of these meetings is to unwind," Byakuya told him, finally sitting down in his own chair, "and to let go of the problems of our daily lives for a little while."

"That didn't seem to work so well," Mayuri commented, grinning from ear to ear, "Perhaps it's the newly-instated leader of the club?"

"You think you can do better?" Renji hissed, coming to his captain's defense.

"Oh?" the scientist wondered, "I would run things a bit differently, indeed."

"That's enough," Hitsugaya said in a low voice, drawing everyone's attention towards him, "This club should have been disbanded the moment Aizen betrayed us since honoring its presence honors his ideas, which we are now wholly against."

"I was never with his ideas in the first place," Ichigo muttered.

"Furthermore, the substitute shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo, should have no place in Soul Society's doings anymore than necessary."

Hearing this, Ichigo brightened and grinned and Hitsugaya, "See? I knew there was some good in yo-"

"He is, at best, a hindrance to us, and shouldn't be involved in our personal matters as he has no place here," the shortest member of the club added.

Ichigo's expression of gratefulness turned into one of annoyance, "What was that?"

Ignoring him, Hitsugaya continued, "It was correct to make a note that our duties as captains and vice captains cannot be ignored, especially for some club that lowers us to the women's level."

A few of the men curled their lips at this idea, and with his little speech, the 10th Division Captain had seemed to turn half the room in his favor.

Ukitake leaned in towards (in his opinion) the only other sane one in this room and whispered, "I thought the point of these meetings was to unwind and not let the worries of our daily lives affect us for a little while."

Hisagi shrugged, "I think this _is _his unwound."

Ukitake sweatdropped and began to consider ways of escaping the meeting. As he did, several others were beginning to concoct their own schemes. It seemed like Hitsugaya was on their side, so if they could just get him to play along...

"You forgot one very important matter, though," a voice that had not been heard by anyone's ears for quite some time. Immediately, everyone's attention snapped to the foot of the table where a brown-haired, god-like figure lounged. His two henchmen cowered behind him, one with the widest grin you'd ever see and one with a serene look about him.

"Aizen!" Renji was the first to react, and in a flash, he and Ichigo were on their feet and in a fighting pose.

The rest of the club followed suit, placing a hand on their hilts and narrowing their eyes in near-perfect unison. The only one that didn't react was an abandoned, blonde-haired vice captain.

Kira stared at the grinning Ichimaru with wide, shock-ridden eyes, "Ichimaru-taichou," he whispered.

"Hey, Kira," the nonchalant man greeted, "been a while, hasn't it? How've ya been?" When Kira failed to respond, Gin donned a more serious face, "Kira... I'm sorry for leaving ya, won't ya join me in Hueco Mundo so we can be together again?"

The outrageousness of the offer threw a few of the shinigami into outbursts. However, the only voice he heard was Gin's.

"Stay back, Kira," Hisagi muttered to the boy sitting next to him. His own eyes wavered at the sight of Tousen, but his teeth gritted in determination not to falter.

"I won't ask you such a thing," Tousen assured him, "we each have our own sense of justice."

"My sense of justice seems to be to rip that confident look right off your face," Ichigo put in. He sent a look to Byakuya, "Well? What are you going to do?"

The black-haired noble was still seated, his eyes calmly closed. When he didn't respond, Renji frowned, "Kuchiki-taichou?" Still nothing.

Hitsugaya joined in the concerned looks, "Kuchiki-taichou, respond."

Still, no matter how many people called his name, the older Kuchiki didn't respond. Finally, Renji went to his captain's side and, after several moments of inspection, sweatdropped and turned to the group.

"Well?" Ikkaku wondered, "What's his problem?"

"He...fell asleep."

"At a time like this?" Yumichiko asked, bewildered, "How irresponsible. What could he have been doing last night to make him so worn out?"

Renji coughed and turned his attention back to Aizen, "You bastard," he growled, "who are you to just think that you can waltz in here an-"

"Wait a minute," Mayuri interrupted, grinning once more, "you seemed pretty quick to change the subject."

"Wh-what?" Renji stammered, looking around the room. Nearly everyone was nodding in agreement, "Is now really the time?"

"Well," Ukitake, who was sitting right next to the seat Aizen had occupied, "this club was established to pass off the worries of our daily lives."

Aizen nodded in agreement, "You were always the more level-headed one," he told the silver-haired captain.

While Ukitake accepted the compliment gratefully, Renji stared at him in horror, "Don't talk so casually with our enemy!"

"You do have to remember," Hisagi said, "Aizen was our friend for a long time. So he abandoned us and is plotting our demise. Things like this happen."

"Things like this happen?!" Renji repeated, shaking his captain slightly, "Wake up, we got issues here!"

"Byakuya's out," Ichigo snickered.

"Byakuya?" Aizen repeated, amused, "Oh my, you two sure are close."

"What?" the carrot-top demanded, "It's nothing like that. Go back to your wasteland!"

"Hueco Mundo is far from a wasteland," the brunette said, offended, "It is a virtual paradise for-"

"It's a shithole," Renji agreed.

"And we are _not _that close," Byakuya stated, opening his eyes slowly as if he had never been asleep.

"Have a nice nap, there?" Ichimaru wondered, "Nice to have ya back."

Byakuya shrugged Renji's hand off and stood up. He walked to his podium and addressed the room, "In light of current events, I declare this meeting of the Shinigami Men's Club officially over."

"Current events?" Hitsugaya asked, eyeing up his opponents, "You do mean them, correct?"

"Hm?" The noble gave the three at the opposite end of the table a glance, "No, of course not. Something much more important has come up."

"More important?" Renji repeated, concerned, "What could be more important than this?"

"Renji, if you give the enemy all of your attention, it will only make him believe that he is important and worth your time," Kuchiki chided.

"But... he's _right there_!" Renji said, desperately, "Why are none of you concerned?!"

"To be honest," the black-haired captain sighed, "I'm not cut out for this role. I re-appoint Aizen as head of the Shinigami Men's Club." He and Aizen locked eyes, a battle of wills being played out, "As such, he is expected to attend every meeting, promptly and on time."

"This is more dangerous than them fighting," Yumichiko muttered to Ikkaku, who nodded seriously, "Not beautiful at all."

"Well," Aizen said, standing up and putting everyone on alert, "since Kuchiki-taichou has ended this meeting, I'll see you all next year."

"Before you go," Hitsugaya spoke up, drawing back slightly when everyone's attention turned to him.

"Well?" Aizen wondered, smiling his unbelievably fake smile.

After a moment, the white-haired captain stood and walked up to Aizen, whispering in his ear. The brunette nodded a few times and muttered something back. "Thanks," Hitsugaya said and returned to his seat.

"Well, we're just about ready, then?" Ichimaru wondered. When Aizen nodded, he turned his attention to Kira, "So, whadda ya say, Kira-kun? You want to come with me?"

"Kira isn't that pathetic," Hisagi told him, confident that the remaining vice captains could survive without their traitorous leaders.

"Like hell I'm not," Kira said, and dashed up to his captain's side. With a wide grin, Ichimaru led the way back into Hueco Mundo, followed by Kira, Tousen, and Aizen.

The room was stunned until a muttering voice broke their concentration. Ukitake sighed and shook the man on the other side of him, "Shunsui, wake up."

The eccentric man opened his eyes and looked around, "Hm? What's wrong? Is the meeting over?"

Hopelessly, Ukitake hung his head, "Yes, the meeting is over."

"Hey," Ichigo spoke up, glancing around the table, "Why isn't Kenpachi here?"

"He said he found no interest in the club since there was no fighting," Ikkaku told him, "even though I agree, he told me I had to come to make the squad look good."

"Though, maybe now that you're here, he'll want to come," Yumichiko added, smirking, "He always _loves _to spend time with you."

Several flashbacks of himself getting pummeled into the ground upon their 'meetings' made Ichigo shiver, "I'll pass."

"Then, since no one else has anything to say," Byakuya stated, clapping his hands together, "this meeting is over for good."

Relieved, every member of the club stood and congratulated each other on surviving another of the meetings.

:IN HUECO MUNDO:

"Aizen," Tousen said, his serene voice as serious as ever.

"What is it?" the wanna-be god asked.

"What did Hitsugaya ask you back there?"

Aizen chuckled, "That secret is between the captain and myself."

:IN THE REAL WORLD:

Hitsugaya shuffled through many items on a convenience store shelf before sighing victoriously and grabbing a certain one. He held it up in admiration and read the label to himself, _"Extra strength, maximum hold hair gel-- for even the toughest hair to stay strong and soft all day long!"_

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Poor Hitsugaya... having to go to Aizen for hair gel advice. You know he knows the best stuff, though. XD, this was fun to write, I'll admit. I just have to wonder how Kyouraku slept through Renji screaming like that. And if you didn't get what Byakuya was doing last night that made him so tired... well, I think Renji might have been blushing while he was coughing XD. All for the sake of humor, people, it's just a joke. I hope you enjoyed, and review to let me know what you thought of it!


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